


Prophecy

by Rosie_Rues



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-05
Updated: 2006-02-05
Packaged: 2017-10-22 19:20:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosie_Rues/pseuds/Rosie_Rues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pure slapstick. Sirius confuses poetry with prophecy and is determined to discover which of the Marauders is most at risk.</p><p>As the poets have mournfully sung,<br/>Death takes the innocent young,<br/>The rolling-in-money,<br/>The screamingly-funny,<br/>And those who are very well-hung.</p><p>- WH Auden<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Prophecy

“He’s a Muggle oracle!” Sirius said, wild-eyed. “We have to work it out.”

“Work what out?” Peter said from the chair by the fire.

“Which of us is doomed to die.”

Remus looked up from where he was flicking through _The Prophet_. “Prongs, what is he on about?”

“It’s a Muggle prophecy,” James said from where he was sprawled across the sofa. “Padfoot thinks it might be significant.”

“Listen,” Sirius said, waving the book above his head. “Prongs and I are both rolling-in-money, Wormtail’s screamingly-funny, and you’re innocent young.”

“Not _that_ innocent,” Remus muttered.

“What?” Sirius let the book fall, regarding him with soulful dismay.

“Never mind. Pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“Right,” Sirius said and fixed him with another stare. “So, we’re all equally at risk from the first three reasons. We have to be sure. We have to be safe. Constant vigilance!”

Peter squeaked and shuffled back into his chair. “Padfoot, don’t do that.”

“Gets your attention,” Sirius said. “Trousers off, everyone.”

“ _What?_ ” Remus said.

James winced and began, “Padfoot…”

“Good point. I’ll get the tape measure.” Sirius disappeared into the kitchen, where Remus could hear him clattering through a drawer.

He and Peter both turned to stare at James. Peter crossed his arms and said, “Alright. What’s bothering him?”

“I don’t want you all to die!” Sirius bellowed from the kitchen. “There’s a war on.”

“Um,” James said.

“Talk, Prongs,” Remus said.

“He’s just a bit concerned,” James said.

Remus lifted an eyebrow. He knew why Sirius stepped off the edge of sanity occasionally and it was never for anything mild.

“We’ll do you first, Prongs, because yours is getting the most exercise.”

James blanched. “He’s feeling insecure about his sexuality.”

“I’m perfectly comfortable with my sexuality!” Sirius roared, erupting out of the kitchen, a metal ruler in his hand.

Peter crossed his legs in front of him. “I am _not_ letting him anywhere near my donger.”

Sirius pointed the ruler at him with a flourish. “You are a poor excuse for a friend, Wormtail. Don’t you want us to take precautions?”

“Are you sure?” Remus hissed to James. “It seems a bit much. I’ve been insecure about my sexuality for years and I’ve never tried to get into Wormtail’s trousers.”

“You have?” Sirius said in delight, lowering the ruler. “Really?”

“Er,” Remus said. Sirius had not been meant to hear that.

“Everyone knows that,” Peter said. “Why do you care?”

“Care!” Sirius snapped. “I don’t care! I just want to know who’s most likely to die!”

Remus sighed.

Peter stood up and began to shuffle towards the fireplace. “I’m leaving.”

“Oh, no, you’re not,” Sirius said, darting in front of him.

“Oh, yes, I am.”

“Oh, no, he isn’t,” Remus muttered.

“Oh, no, he isn’t,” James hissed back as Sirius jabbed Peter in the belly with the ruler.

“Wormtail,” Sirius said, eyes bright with sincerity. “What if it’s you? What if you die, and then we find out? Think how we’d feel. If we’d only known you had the biggest donger, we could have arranged extra protection. You could have lived, Wormtail. Think of future generations. Think of your unborn children.”

Peter gaped. Then he said, “We’re twenty years old. We’re too old for a biggest willy competition. And Prongs is married. Have you thought about what Lily will do to you if she finds out you’ve been feeling her husband up?”

“He is _not_ going to be feeling me up!”

“Lily will understand,” Sirius proclaimed, though he didn’t look quite as convinced as he sounded.

“Why don’t you just do Remus. He won’t mind.”

“ _Wormtail!_ ”

“Well, you wouldn’t,” Peter said, shuffling sideways. Sirius was staring over his shoulder, his expression unreadable.

Remus hid behind the _Prophet_.

“Look,” James said, in his Head-Boy voice, “we can all measure ourselves. Sirius doesn’t need to touch anyone but himself.”

Peter snickered.

“Not like that!” James snapped.

If he wriggled enough, Remus suspected he would be able to disappear under the table. He could apparate from there to – well, to somewhere else. Possibly the Potters to warn Lily what was going on.

“I am not taking my trousers off in front of you all.”

“You shared a dorm with us for seven years,” James said reasonably.

“Seven years too many.”

“Wormtail,” Sirius said. “You wound me. I have such fond memories of those years.”

“You all weigh three stone less than I do.”

“We’ll turn our backs,” James said. “Just get it over with, mate, or Padfoot will go on about it for days.”

Sirius beamed and shoved Peter back into the centre of the room. “Right, form an orderly line.”

Remus sunk further into his chair.

“Come on, Moony!” Sirius demanded. “Strip.”

He wasn’t going to get out of this. Shit. Gloomily, he toed his shoes off and shuffled over to join the others.

“Padfoot,” Peter said. “I will never forgive you for this.”

“It’s for your own good,” Sirius replied. He sounded hurt.

“Courage, Wormtail,” James said. “Right, on the count of three, drop your trousers. A one, a two, a three.”

Four zips creaked. Remus heard the shuffling noises of fabric moving and stared blankly at the wall ahead.

“Who’s got the ruler?” James asked.

“I left it by the fireplace.”

James and Peter both shouted in protest. Remus winced and stepped out of his trousers. “I’ll get it.”

He’d taken two steps when the fire flared up. With a horrifying sense of doom, he watched Lily Potter step out of the fire. He dragged his shirt tails down as she looked at him and then winced as she turned her gaze on the row of bare arses standing before her.

“ _James Potter_ ,” she began, eyes wide.

Remus dived behind the sofa.

“I can explain everything!”

“I’m going home,” Peter muttered.

“Then you’d better explain fast.”

Sirius came rolling over the back of the sofa, trousers tangling around his ankles. He landed on Remus with an ooff of protest.

James yelped. “It was all Sirius’ idea!”

“Traitor,” Sirius wheezed.

“Shut up!” Remus hissed. “She’ll find us.” His legs had become tangled around Sirius’ hips. He wriggled desperately, trying to dislodge Sirius before the need for measurement became obsolete.

Sirius wriggled back, breath quickening. “Moony,” he breathed.

“What?” Remus was getting desperate. The feel of Sirius squirming between his legs was threatening to answers his doubts about his sexuality once and for all.

“You’re not going to die,” Sirius whispered in his ear, breath tickling.

“What?”

Sirius wrapped his arms around him and shifted until Remus felt another erection press hard against his own. Remus bit back a gasp at the flash of heat that shuddered through him.

“See,” Sirius said. “I’m bigger.”

Remus stared at him, too confused for words. Eventually, he squeaked, “Thought you were comfortable with your sexuality?”

“I am,” Sirius said, rolling his hips slowly. “Bent as a silver snitch. I was worried about not being worried.”

“W. H. Auden is _not_ an oracle!” Lily said.

Sirius scowled and knelt up, pulling Remus with him. “Oy! Evans!”

Lily turned to glare at him. “I’m married. You were best man. Remember?”

He waved a hand at her airily. “Can you take your husband home? I’m trying to pull Remus down here and your domestic spat is spoiling the mood. I don’t know why you let him out half-dressed anyway.”

James choked.

Lily’s eyes narrowed. “Remus?”

“Yes?” His head was spinning. Was Sirius really - ? Was he actually awake? Where had all the sanity gone?

“Are you okay?”

Sirius was still holding him, his wrists warm across the small of his back. Remus resisted the urge to bury his face in his shoulder, and said, “I’m fine.”

“You don’t need rescuing?”

Sirius’ eyes widened, suddenly anxious. Of course, Sirius Black was the undisputed master of leaping before he looked. Remus smiled at him. Only Sirius.

“I’m fine, Lily,” he said gently, not looking away. “You don’t need to rescue me. Just take James home.”

He heard her laugh softly, and she said, “Have a nice evening, gentlemen. Right, Potter, march.”

“You sure?” Sirius whispered as the fire crackled.

“Positive.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Remus said and kissed him.

Sirius kissed him back hungrily, drawing him close. Remus sighed into his mouth, and twined their legs together again, pressing Sirius down. Sirius surged up under him, hands pressing under his shirt and down his back, cupping his arse and pulling him down hard.

Remus broke the kiss, gasping. Sirius whined and tried to pull him down again.

“We’re still behind the sofa,” Remus said.

“Yeah.”

“You have a bed.”

Sirius blinked and then grinned slowly, “I like you.”

“I’d never have guessed.”

They managed to get out from behind the sofa before Sirius kissed him again.

It was a good-sized sofa, and it was right there. The bed could wait.


End file.
